Gimp Girl

Mother Fucking Whore Bastard

2009-07-22T14:51:00.000-07:00

My Kyocera Lingo shit the bed this morning. No matter what I did, it wouldn't load up or show ANY information. So I panic and go to cell phone store - they tell me it is fried and there is no way to fix it but if that were the case, why would the Kyocera Lingo logo come up but nothing else?

So I go and buy a new phone that I can't afford and curiosity got the best of me and I put the battery back in the Lingo and wouldn't you know, that bitch powered right up, displayed everything and doesn't have a single problem .. well .. except that it doesn't have service. So do I wait a few days to see of the Kyocera is really fixed or if it's fucking with me and keep new phone?

I text therefore I am ...

Morons Can Be Entertaining

2009-07-21T13:55:00.000-07:00

Now I remember exactly why I gave up on Yahoo Messenger ...

2009-07-17T13:45:00.000-07:00

None of my posts posted. I'm convinced they are floating around somewhere in cyberspace.

In any event, I thought it was a great idea to buy a five pound bag of pumpkin seeds. Shortly thereafter I realized that I have no self control when it comes to them. The end result was a crap on deck that felt like I was birthing a million glass shards. I'll gladly add that to the list of things that I never want to do again.

2009-06-30T00:00:00.001-07:00

Whether women want to accept it or not, most are fucked in the head. There is a fine line between being bisexual and being a lesbian. Lesbians that use phallic shaped sex toys but run around bashing men every chance they get are puzzling. Sorry, I like dick too much to be a dyke but there are times when it's hard to pass up a fish taco.

Scenario. You hook up with a chick, take her home, have a good time. Everyone is giggles and grins but you know, 4 in the morning is 4 in the morning. I don't want to cuddle with you. I don't want to hear about your ex that cheated on you. In fact, the only thing I do want to hear is you getting dressed and walking out the door. That might sound cruel but you know, I'd rather say it and have someone get pissed than to have to lay there for five hours listening to them ramble on.

2009-06-29T20:07:00.000-07:00

The asshole hippie neighbors got another dog. The first one, Stillwater, is borderline psycho and one can never get bored with hearing one of the humans call it at all hours of the day and night. "Sttilllllllwaterrrrr"; it's like having the movie "Almost Famous" playing 24 hours a day. The new dog, Bong Water, is some type of large mutt with matted hair. It will fit in nicely with the Patchouli smelling mother fuckers that live there. What's next for them? They are running out of water-related names for pets.

2009-06-22T11:09:00.001-07:00

I swear on all that is holy, if one more person give me the stink eye today or uses the "H" word, I will lose it like a stressed out postal worker.

2009-06-19T07:19:00.000-07:00

Got the new socket and a half inch adjustment. I felt great when I left but as the day wore on I realized my entire spine was out of alignment. My chiropractor took no pity on me and laid into me like I owed him money. I was voted off the hockey team because of my inability to "skate fast". Fuck them, I'll see them on their downward spiral when the season starts up again.

Just Call Me Satan

2009-06-13T21:18:00.000-07:00

Oh, oh .. oh ... it will be mine.

2009-06-13T06:10:00.000-07:00

Dear Sidney,

Congrats on winning the Stanley Cup. You and the guys deserve it. When can we anticipate you shaving off that weak ass beard that you grew for the Finals?

Sincerely,

Gimp Girl (#68 / Goo)

2009-06-10T04:53:00.001-07:00

Fuck Mario Lemieux.

I didn't like him when he played hockey and I sure as hell don't like him as an owner. Thanks for making hockey a non-affordable sport for people in the city of Pittsburgh. I'll support the team and the players but there's no way I'm stepping foot (and I mean that literally) inside the IGLOO (I refuse to call it the Mellon Arena) unless my tickets are free.

Rare or RARE?

2009-06-09T00:26:00.001-07:00

I had no idea that people could be so moronic and still remember to draw breath. A guy orders a steak rare, he gets it rare. Then he says, "I didn't want it THAT rare". His kids were demons, his wife was on some kind of medication and they asked to see the manager three times. Once because the soup was cold, once for the RARE steak and the last time to complain that there wasn't enough chocolate in the chocolate cake. Trust me sir, the last thing you need is an extra 3000 calorie squirt of chocolate syrup on your cake.

2009-06-08T17:15:00.000-07:00

Tea Bagging is in the Epinions naughty bin.
Nothing a hyphen can't fix!

If Tea Bagging Isn't Your Thing ...

2009-06-07T22:44:00.000-07:00

Wonderful World of Omelettes!

Wow, I was just thinking how cool it would be to have an article featured on the Most Comments sidebar and poof .. there it was! I feel so .. popular!

2009-06-05T09:59:00.000-07:00

Accu-Chek Testing Kit

Yeah, enjoying my five minutes of fame ...

A Moral Dilemma

2009-06-04T19:36:00.000-07:00

Here is the situation. My friend asked me if I would help out at his restaurant for a few hours. Two of his waitresses went into labor early and he was short staffed for early dinner rush. I've waited tables before so it wasn't a big deal. The place is like Hooters but without the huge franchise fee.

All is going well, orders are going up fast and the customers are in high spirits. That's when I overheard one of them say, "Oh honey, give her a bigger top that that, she's handicapped". I wanted to turn around, walk through the kitchen and cry. Handicapped? HANDICAPPED? I did the responsible thing and acted like everything was cool. A ten dollar tip on a thirty dollar meal .. that's a bit excessive.

So I end up making a little over a hundred dollars in tips in four hours. The rest of the chicks made half that much in six hours. Not only do I feel guilty that people were tipping me more because of my leg but the other chicks worked just as hard as I did. The "uniform" is cargo shorts and a tight tank top ... so it's not like I can hide it.

Do I fill in for the next few weeks and make some quick cash and have a guilty conscious or do I pass on his offer?

2009-05-31T22:58:00.000-07:00

Over 47,000 views and less than a dollar. If I would have posted this at AC it would have made me $55.73. Who knew plasma was such a big deal?

Pimping For Plasma

You Never Know

2009-05-31T22:49:00.000-07:00

It's amazing what people search for on the internet.

2009-05-29T22:49:00.001-07:00

I've Lost The Ability To Run

2009-05-29T16:22:00.001-07:00

I went to the gym with all intentions of getting on the treadmill and doing some brisk walking, increasing the incline then reducing it and going into a jog. That wasn't bad but it felt weird as hell. After six minutes I tried to run and my legs pulled a massive revolt on me. They didn't get weak or buckle, they just stopped. Thankfully I was on one of the treadmills that have a stop key that automatically stops the belt when the key comes out. If it didn't I'd be face down and completely humiliated. I know that this was the first time for running but I never expected it to be so difficult. I'm on the verge of tears because of this. I hope this isn't going to be a regular thing, running isn't a big deal to me but it pisses me off that my good leg is getting pissy and the prosthetic is following suit.

2009-05-28T13:02:00.000-07:00

This is, loosely, what I am going to get tattooed on my right leg. It will be vertical not horizontal but will have all four images connected with some assorted bones. Should be an interesting piece. Still working on piece for the stump ...

SWF Seeks SWM ... brains ... brains

2009-05-28T12:58:00.000-07:00

Who says the undead can't look wickedly sexy? Thanks to a little SPF 50 and some blood red lipstick you can wash out some of that newly-dead image that seems to be plaguing your less than stellar love life.

I Am Not A Soft Target

2009-05-23T22:30:00.000-07:00

So I gimp my ass up to the ATM (automatic teller machine, not "ass to mouth") and this guy is watching me. No, he isn't waiting to use the machine, he's sizing me up and not in a "Gimme ya digits" kinda way. So I finish up my business and turn around and he's standing about three inches away from me. He asks me if he can borrow five dollars. Borrow? I don't know you from Jack Shit pal. So he starts trying to block me in but I already knew his next three moves. As sure as a greased pig squeals, he tries to grab my backpack and I lay his ass out cold. For once the police are actually patrolling and see the scene unfold. They grab his arms and he tells them that I assaulted him and tried to steal his wallet. As much as I hate to do it, I played the gimp card and limped a little. "He must have fallen down when he tried to grab my backpack". Statements were taken, he was arrested and the cops said that Tuesday they would get a copy of the ATM cam. Just because I have a fake leg doesn't mean I can't kick your punk ass to the curb.

Gimp Girl: 1

Hi. I'm Zombie 14, Where's The Bathroom?

2009-05-23T13:29:00.000-07:00

So I get the call to meet the film producers at a parking lot. I'm still shaking my head about that one. I show up and it looks like some kind of gimpfest. Wheelchairs, walkers and crutches as far as the eye can see. Obviously these people never worked with amputees before because they didn't bother to do their research and ask them how long it had been since they lost a limb and if they could get around freely. Being one of the only walking amps I stood back and watched the scene unfold. Utter chaos ensued. Over half the people were dismissed when a guy walks up to me, looks me up and down and slaps a sticker on me. I felt like a piece of meat at the market that was reduced pending a fast approaching expiration date.

I joked about being "zombie 14" a few times but never expected to actually be given a specific number. Alas, it was not 14. I will however be playing a small part of a tattoo artist that gets bitten and subsequently turns into an undead character. Their ideal situation is that I walk down the street with the tattoo gun in my hand and have my leg shot off. Then I get to fall over, and in true zombie fashion, crawl towards the fleshies (zombie-speak for humans that are still alive).

One small step for zombies, one big step for a chick with one leg ... the amp humor never stops.

I Gots the MP3 Blues ...

2009-05-22T12:03:00.000-07:00

Here's the current status of my MP3 situation.

I have a Philips MP3 player (http://tinyurl.com/rb3vmq) and it worked great with my desktop. I used it a few times with the Acer 5515 Laptop and had no problems getting songs moved on to it. Last week I tried to upload more to it and it said that the USB wasn't recognized. How the hell does that happen? I tried a different port, same message. So I figured I would install the software for it and it isn't supported by Vista. Again, how the hell does that happen? It worked without the software then all of a sudden started getting an attitude.

I checked the Philips page for some kind of a software update. Nothing.

I looked online. Nothing.

I don't want to have to buy another MP3 player because this one is awesome, small and has great sound. I can't use the desktop to download music because it is slow and I always lose my connection because of quirky USB ports.

Anyone have ANY ideas or suggestions about how to solve this problem?

Chasing Amy

2009-05-21T23:10:00.000-07:00

I caught Chasing Amy on IFN and had to laugh. After following Kevin Smith on Twitter I had to wonder how much of the story stemmed from personal experience. At this point, you might as well stop reading cause it's nothing more than a ramble from here on out. I need to figure out some easy way to get to the bathroom at night. Maybe crutches? Crawling isn't an option because I still have to get on and off the pot. Most people don't remember potty training from their childhood, I get to relive the experience. I have to check out YouPorn at the suggestion of Dane Cook. At teh very least it will surely make me feel like I'm not a sexual freak.

How To Make An Ass Of Yourself

2009-05-21T19:36:00.000-07:00

So I am killing time with my $50.00 Starbucks card waiting for Terminator to start and I see this larger-than-life guy walk past me. Just my type; football player, no wedding ring and killer smile. He glances back over his shoulder (obviously checking me out LOL) and I decide to kick the chair back a little and look at him over my sunglasses. Now a smooth move. The chair tips backwards, I go ass first on the sidewalk and end up making a complete ass of myself. To make things worse, that hunk of a man is laughing at me. I crack a smile and shake my head. I'm so far from cool it isn't funny. I did however end up getting some assistance from said football player jock guy. That led to the whole "what happened to your leg" topic. Yeah the got the fuckin' digits biach!

My Odd Life

2009-05-20T22:03:00.001-07:00

1. Today I saw a man in a penguin suit handing out bagel samples.
2. I learned that not all egg rolls are the same.
3. I spend an average of 40 minutes a week cutting out coupons. I save an average of $300.00 a month on groceries.
4. Regretfully I have to admit I have a problem with my coffee consumption.
5. My prosthesis is possessed. I spent the entire day straying to the leg when I was walking.
6. Milk Duds are the spawn of Satan.
7. No one joined my Neopet Twibe yet.
8. I have horrendous gas from the Chinese buffet.
9. My FedEx guy is hot as hell.
10. the Phantom Menace Pains are back again.

Ever Hate Everyone?

2009-05-19T17:01:00.000-07:00

I had a small case of rage today during which I verbally lamb basted someone that was cracking jokes about my leg. If you are my friend that's one thing, but a complete stranger? Not cool. When she started crying I should have stopped but I didn't. People like that need to be put in their place.

The Gimp Just Kicked Your Ass Dude

2009-05-18T21:36:00.001-07:00

I haven't had a kickboxing class since September of 2008. That's when I had my downward spiral. I walked into the gym I used to train at and everything went into some creepy Twin Peaks moment sans music. 99% of the people didn't know what happened and the 1% that did know kept their mouths shut. They knew I'd be back only with a bionic leg. I have been working on my balance but it was humbling to do that first kick and fall flat on my face. Apparently some of the frat boys found it hysterical. I don't play the gimp card often but when I do, it usually has amazing results. Knowing that I could still do some damage with the body parts I have left I called one of them out. Of course that drew a crowd, something I'm not all that fond of at the gym.

His name was Mitch. Obviously his parents had a sense of humor. Mitch didn't want to "hurt the cripple". Oh, Now I'm Timmy right? It was on like Donkey Fucking Dong. I prefer one long round over 45 - 90 seconds. Sort of separates the posers from the rest. 17 seconds into it I land a leg right across his chest. He spent the previous 16 seconds dancing around while I just stood there shaking my head. The funny part is it felt totally natural, I wasn't swaying or questioning my balance. It just happened. Mitch laid there for about a minute then cried foul. Apparently I have some super secret kickboxing mechanism in my leg ... ok Mitch, this isn't Star Trek.

I avoided everyone, put my headphones on and finished my 45 minutes in the corner. I hope I don't have to put up with that shit every time I go there. Getting called out or taunted is only going to fuel my fire and lemme tell ya, I can be your best friend or your worse enemy. I think I earned my Reece Peanut Butter Cup after that incredibly hunk of bullshit.

Swine Flu II

2009-05-18T06:18:00.000-07:00

For months my stupid ass neighbor has been sick. Not just sick, but SICK. He goes to the doctor, they tell him he is sick, he calls me, tells me he is sick. It's an established fact, he is sick. He asks me to get a 50 count pack of sausages. Apparently, at some point in the future, pork products will be yanked from the market with the resurgence of Swine Flu II (coming to a theater soon). So I take the sausages over and he has all these pieces of aluminum foil on the table. He breaks the sausages up into little packages and freezes them. Sounds great so far huh? The only glitch in the ditch is he is reusing the same pieces of foil over and over again. I think you know where this is going. He said he's been doing it for months, ironically that's just how long he's been sick … months.

Are You A Pirate?

2009-05-12T21:19:00.000-07:00

Kids are awesome. They are curious little creatures but their parents can really kill the mood. When they start checking out my leg I give them a smile and tell them it's ok to look. Their parents flip out and cause a scene.

So far the funniest run in was at, of all places, Long John Silvers. We strolled in with coupons and Sacajawea dollar coins (pirate booty as we call it). A boy about the age of six wouldn't stop staring at my leg then he let's out with "Mom, look, she's a pirate!" and it was like every molecule of oxygen was sucked out of the dining room. She started yanking him by the arm and causing a really bad vibe. When we were leaving I rang the bell and looked over at the kid and asked him he was a landlubber. He gave me a thumbs down sign and I said, "Arg, the bird says no!" (Shameless Pirates of the Caribbean plus).

If you are a parent please don't embarrass yourself and your child by acting this way. Most amps (amputees) have a real good sense of humor.

And so it begins

2009-05-12T20:54:00.000-07:00

I'm a BKA. What's a BKA you ask? Below Knee Amputee. to sum things up, here is the timeline of events:

September 10, 2008: Emergency amputation
September 17, 2008: Amp trim
September 24, 2008: Discharged to acute care
October 10, 2008: Cleared to go home
January 2009: Second casting for prosthetic
January 15, 2009: 6 days of rehab for physical therapy
January 26, 2009: Surgery for abscess removal
January 28, 2009: Wound Vac applied
March 9, 2009: Vac removed
March 11, 2009: Started my own PT

Present day: Did all my own physical therapy including steps, hills, ramps, gravel and wet grass.